You know what was rough? Getting through this morning’s Us Weekly piece on John Mayer, which was an assortment of quotes from his Playboy interview about two of the most famous women Mayer’s dated, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. You know what sucks the big one? Having to read the whole f-cking interview in Playboy. Ugh. This douche… I have no words. Oh, and by the way – remember that whole “John Mayer is racist while he tries to do stand-up comedy” thing that most of you were like “oh, Kaiser, you’re being too sensitive, Asians love when you mangle their names on purpose and comment about how they ‘sound white’”. Well, suck it, because I was right, this guy is a f-cking racist with huge, enormous issues with race. Not to mention his issues with his own closeted homosexuality. The full Playboy piece is here, and these are some of the most disgusting highlights.

On whether he’s a douche bag: “I consider myself a good guy, with the best of intentions. Anybody who has been in a relationship with me would stand by the fact that I’ve never been callous. I’ve never been a bad boy. I may have taken someone through the wringer psychologically, but I’ve never been sinister.”

On whether masturbation is as good as sex: “Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had. What that explains is that I’m more comfortable in my imagination than I am in actual human discovery. The best days of my life are when I’ve dreamed about a sexual encounter with someone I’ve already been with. When that happens, I cannot lay off myself.”

On being half-Jewish: “People say, “Well, which side of your family is Jewish?” I say, “My dad’s.” And they always say it doesn’t count. But I will say I keep my pool at 92 degrees, so you do the math. I find myself relating to Judaism. One of my best friends is Jewish beyond all Jews—I went to my first Passover seder at his house—and I train in Krav Maga with a lot of Israelis.”

On the increased fame when he dated Jennifer Aniston: “I had a conversation about fame with Jen [Aniston] before we ever really stepped out in public. She said, “Do you understand what this entails?” Two weeks later I had people outside my house. I was smart enough to know it would probably make me a salable item for the paparazzi. I knew I’d have to move to a home that had a gate. But that pearl of possibility that lives in your heart when you meet somebody you want to know more about has such a different molecular density than everything else that you have to pursue it. And I wouldn’t undo it, man. Because if it had worked out, I would have reaped the benefits. I would be sitting here saying, “What I have when I go home is the thing I’ve always wanted.””

On letting Aniston listen to his new album, Battle Studies: “Look, there’s a level of honesty in that record that probably made her uncomfortable, but I couldn’t let that change the way I wrote songs. There were moments when she said, “What’s that line?” Like, “That’s not about me, is it?” While I was going out with her she was on the cover of GQ wearing nothing but a tie. These are occupational hazards. When she heard Battle Studies she just wanted to be able to say “I want to know that you hold me correctly in your heart.”

On his relationship with Aniston now: “We just have a regard for each other’s feelings that is pretty intense. It’s been a deep relationship, and it’s no longer taking place at all. Have you ever loved somebody, loved her completely, but had to end the relationship for life reasons?”

Why black people love Mayer & the “hood pass” : “My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me…. Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

Mayer on “being black”: “What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.”

On whether he dates black girls: “I don’t think I open myself to it. My d-ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f-ckin’ David Duke c-ck. I’m going to start dating separately from my d-ck.”

Does Mayer still love Aniston? “Yes, always. I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32. Parts of me aren’t 32. My ability to go deep with somebody is old soul. My ability to commit and be faithful is old soul. But 32 just comes roaring out of me at points when I don’t see it coming. I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.”

On the gay rumors: “The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”

And finally, this is what John Mayer wants from a relationship: “Here’s what I really want to do at 32: f-ck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, “What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the sh-t!” So she says, “I love this guy.” I say, “I love this girl loving me.” And then we have a problem. Because that entails instant relationship. I’m already playing house. And when I lose interest she’s going to say, “Why would you do that if you didn’t want to stick with me? [So why do I do it?] Because I want to show her I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m f-cking you, I’m trying to f-ck every man who’s ever f-cked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say “No one’s ever done that to me in bed.”

[From Playboy]

Do I really have anything else to say? Not really. I will amend my opinion of Mayer though. He’s not just a rancid misogynistic douchey psychopath. He’s also a racist self-loathing closet-case and every woman who has ever slept with him should feel deeply ashamed.

UPDATE: Oh good. Us Weekly reports that now people who work on race relations on a daily basis are chiming in about Mayer being a f-cking douchebag.

UPDATE #2: John Mayer is now apologizing for using the n-word in the Playboy interview. It’s as if he thinks that one word was the only offensive thing in there. Anyway, Mayer tweeted (via Us Weekly): “Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.” Mayer continued a few hours later: “I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews…it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it. Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.” Closet-case misogynist douchebaggy psychopath.